Write everyday for twenty minutes or
I feel this exercise is getting old, or rather irrelevant. Do the twenty minutes in fact register the grounds for feeling accomplished for the day?
Should one be occasionally confined in total freedom, or should one seek freedom in total confinement?
I have a timer on still. It’s part of the habit but I’m unsure as to what does and what doesn’t fit into twenty minutes. I just need the valve.
I just need so many things but in fact just one. The exercise its changing. So do so many things. I sit around to watch you but I can’t sit around watching myself. I should do something about it. I thought of reorganizing the office. I thought about the beginning of this sentence. I can’t go any further back.
I could write about what you think, what you want what you fear, what you feel, what your believe, or even where you’re coming from. I could write about what I know. But this change of way points to the other direction, to me directly. It’s not that I’m placing you opposite me but what do I want? Certainly not to say that I’m doing the exact opposite of what I actually do.
Yesterday me and my confusion went to therapy. “Where I End and You Begin” was the soundtrack. Was the soundscape. Was the landscape. Was the landmark. Was the marker. Thick, neon, marker.
Although I write about endings and beginnings, I don’t know where to mark my ones.
I got nauseous once as a kid and it must be going on ever since. Like my stutter. Like my rushing mind and my small mouth. Like my arms that extend like a fishnet but the swimmer I’m trying to catch is a gold medalist. It’s me. I lost it all once and it must be what’s going on here.
I’m often scared as to whether you get me or
I don’t know because I haven’t tried. When I don’t bring myself to the room fully, it’s scary. And when I do, it’s scary. I mean, for you I think. I’m fine with it all. Maybe I just assume you are not. For this I’m arrogant, vain and conceited. I just wrote down all the adjectives from a Google search. I do not know what writing is.
Is today a confession or a confirmation?
See you in the evening
or next year
somewhere
anywhere
where
you can buy me flowers
and where
we can play the piano.